Utter disbelief!!!

I went for my second beta this morning.  The nurse just called with the results about 30 minutes ago and by the tone of her voice I could tell that I was going to get news that I wasn't expecting and hadn't been preparing myself to hear.  72 hours after my first beta which was 109, my level today was 560!!!!! OMG!!  I still don't know how this could be??  I'm still bleeding somewhat although it has slowed down over the past 24 hours.  Still more than spotting in my unprofessional opinion.  But 560??  That is higher than I have ever been at CD34.  I told the nurse that I was truly shocked because I'm still bleeding and she said some people continue to have what seem to be light periods throughout their pregnancies.  Great, just what a woman who has been TTC for over 3 years and has had 2 miscarriages to show for it needs to hear!  My RE is, of course, out of town this week, but I asked the nurse if one of the other REs was available to talk to me about the bleeding because it is not reassuring despite the strong hcg results today.  Makes me wonder what it could be.  Nothing to worry about??  Vanishing twin syndrome?? Subchorionic hematoma??  I've researched them all with Dr. Google of course.  They want me to wait until next Friday to come in for a third beta and then will schedule a first u/s for the following Thursday or Friday.  The waiting may kill me.  Has anyone else out there experienced anything similar to this? 

So confused and waiting for Friday

My least-favorite nurse called me back shortly after my last post and congratulated me on my positive hpt results. I'm thinking that either she either didn't read the message very carefully or it wasn't completely relayed to her and reminded her that I had started bleeding bright red blood a few hours earlier.  She told me not to be too worried yet, sometimes bleeding doesn't mean an impending miscarriage.  That's a little difficult to swallow after experiencing two miscarriages already so, of course, I'm super skeptical.  I was instructed to continue the progesterone supplements and to come in for a beta on Tuesday morning. 

Tuesday was CD 31 (or was it CD2?) and only 13dpiui.  I was at the clinc bright and early to make sure I would get the results in the afternoon. I was shocked by the positive hpt results on CD29/11dpiui.  And I was even more shocked Tuesday afternoon when a different nurse, who also congratulated me on being pregnant before giving me the numbers, told me my hcg was at 109.  109???  It may not sound like a large number to some people, but for me it seemed HUGE.  Especially since I had pretty much convinced myself that I was losing this pregnancy, too, and had prepared myself to hear a relatively low number probably under 50.  With my other two pregnancies I didn't get positive hpt results until at least CD33 and more than 14dpo.  The highest hcg I had for my first pregnancy was 60.  The beta for my second pregnancy was only 37 at CD34 and, although it was doubling, it was only 152 by CD39.  I had no warning that anything was wrong with my second pregnancy until the morning I woke up to bright red blood and later that morning, in the ER because my former clinic's on-call line rang without answer, confirmed that it was a miscarriage and my hcg level was at 19. 

Back to my current situation, by Tuesday my bleeding had progressed beyond what I would consider spotting.  Definitely felt more like the beginnings of AF.  But the 109 just confuses me so much.  I don't know what to think.  I really won't have any more answers until I go in for a second beta on Friday and find out what the numbers are.  If the number doubles, I will be in utter disbelief.  But at the same time, I've read about others who bleed throughout their pregnancies without any "major" problems.  Sorry for TMI, but I have probably been overanalyzing my bleeding over the past 48 hours.  It has been pretty thin and more watery like in consistency than my typical AF and I can't say there have been many clots like I get with AF.  The color is also a brighter red than AF usually is for me.  But if I am not miscarrying, I have no idea what this could be.  Guess I just have to wait until Friday to see.  In the meantime, I have forbidden myself from POAS.

I Hate HPTs

Against my better judgment I succumbed to the urge to POAS.  After my last post, I made it a full day without any more unwelcomed colored discharge so I took my evening dose of progesterone and decided to use the last FRER test I had when I woke up on Sunday morning (11dpiui).  Two lines quickly appeared! Sooner, quicker and darker than either of my last two pregnancies showed up.  I hate trusting the positive results; they give me hope.  While running errands yesterday afternoon, I bought two Equate HPTs and a box of two FRER HPTs.  I used one of the Equates around 3:00 pm and it, too, was positive!  Not a first morning urine, CD 29 and still unquestionably positive!  Starting to hope even more.  No spotting or anything all day yesterday.  This morning I used the other Equate test and got a third positive result.  Called and scheduled a blood test for tomorrow and wouldn't you know it, not less than two hours later, I start bleeding, reddish pink and enough to fill the liner I had on because of the progesterone.  I had to leave work early because I just couldn't stay there.  Called my RE's office.  The nurses were in a meeting and so the receptionist took a message and said she would have a nurse call me back.  It's been over two hours and no return call yet, probably because they are thinking, "silly girl, you tested too early."  I should have just waited until 14dpiui to test like the RE recommended because I would be none the wiser.  I'll probably be told that this was a chemical pregnancy.  I wish I knew why I can't stay pregnant.

Maybe not even a 2WW

10dpiui.  CD28.  Or could it be CD1 or the precursor thereto?  Or maybe it is this mythical implantation bleeding I've heard of.  I don't know.  What I do know is that when I woke up this morning the liner I put on last night after my evening dose of progesterone and before I went to bed greeted me with a light brown/creamy white mixture of sorts which I considered to be more-than-spotting, but less-than-AF.  Of course, I didn't realize this in my sleepy haze until after I relieved myself of my first morning urine.  Had I realized it before I relieved myself, I might have POAS just for good measure.  But let's face it, 10dpiui is probably too soon to test anyway and I would have just wasted another pregnancy test for no reason.  Over the past 3 years I've become pretty good at restraining myself from POAS prematurely despite the urge to do so.  After going through so many sticks, it just seems like a waste of money that I could be using toward a future round of IVF instead.  Honestly, I just wasn't expecting this today.  Every other time I've used progesterone suppositories I've made it at least to the two week mark before getting a BFN or having AF rear her ugly head in all her bright red glory.  So I decided to skip my dose of progesterone this morning because it seemed pointless.  I might as well save it for next month, right?  But as the day has continued on, I've had little to no spotting and now I'm wondering if I should have used the progesterone until I went out and bought some of the cheaper pregnancy tests just to make sure.  I guess I will see how the rest of the day goes and decide later what to do.  Truth is, I've become numb to the repeated disappointment.  Just a bunch of the same ol' crap, different month.

2WW and then some

The first week of this 2WW is almost over.  I've developed some type of rash and have no idea if it is related to the progesterone or estrogen medications I am taking although both of the pamphlets I received from the pharmacy indicate that a rash could be the sign of an allergic reaction.  I didn't have this problem last month when I followed exactly the same protocol, but I can't figure out what else could be causing it.  I contacted my doctor's office earlier today and spoke to one of the nurses about it.  She said she would let the doctor know,he might want to see me and somoene would get back to me.  No one returned my called and due to certain work obligations I had today, I was stuck and unable to call the office back before it closed.  Due to my short luteal phase, I don't want to quit taking these medications so here's hoping the rash won't get worse before I call the office again tomorrow and hopefully get in to see our RE.

It then dawned on me that I what I really have is at least a 8-12WW if not a 36-40WW.  I don't trust the 2WW.  I guess that's what happens after being pregnant only twice in three years and miscarrying both times before 8 weeks.  Don't get me wrong, I will be ecstatic if I POAS this month and there are two lines (I've never been brave enough to do the digital tests for fear of actually seeing the words "NOT PREGNANT" loud and clear like they are blinking on a marquee sign taunting me).  But I will forever be extremely hesitant to truly believe two lines until I make it beyond the first trimester.  I will probably hold my breath every time I go to the bathroom until I examine my underwear and toilet paper and confirm there are no traces of any red or brown or a variety of colors on the spectrum between the two.  And even then, I doubt I will be confident in two lines until I actually bring a baby to term.

Grandma W.O.W.

She's my maternal grandmother and I love her dearly for many, many reasons.  She had an amazing love affair with my grandfather who passed away nearly 25 years ago.  She likes to tell us how, after marrying him, her initials changed from W.O.E. to W.O.W.  She joked that it was obviously an upgrade and looked much better on her bowling shirt.  My grandfather suffered a very unusual stroke at a young age which left him completely paralyzed.  He spent approximately one year in the hospital after the stroke.  Doctors were convinced that his chances for improvement and recovery were slim to none.  They told my grandma that she should go about her business and just be the bright spot in his day when she visited.  My grandma wouldn't accept that, insisting that my grandfather's mind was still in tact and that she would be bringing him home.  Long story short, she was right.  Although he remained a quadraplegic and confined to a wheelchair, he was eventually able to speak in a raspy whisper and regained enough movement in his arms to eat, write and do some simple water color painting on his own.  He came home and my grandma took care of him for over 15 years until he passed on.  Everyone should be blessed to experience a love as strong and genuine as theirs.

I honestly cannot remember a time when Grandma W.O.W. was hospitalized for her own personal medical issues.  Last night, she was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and will probably be there for a few days. Instead of our typical weekend breakfast dates at Mickey D's, I visited her at the hospital this morning and had a difficult time seeing her physically weaker than I've ever seen her before.  Her mind has also significanty deteriorated over this past year.  She hasn't been officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's, but she clearly has dementia issues and increasing problems with her short-term memory.   

I am the oldest of her four grandchildren. None of us have kids of our own yet.  Over the past 3 years, I've hoped every month that I would be able to tell Grandma W.O.W. that we are having a baby and that she will be a great-grandma.  But so far, our fertility struggles have robbed me of this opportunity.  And as each month passes and she continues to deteriorate, I fear that Grandma W.O.W. may never know or be able to fully appreciate the joy of being a great-grandma.  Just one of the many reasons I resent being delayed in DINKville.

Just Gonna Do It; Shoulda Done It Sooner

So I've decided to quit anonymously lurking other TTC/IF blogs.  I've been doing that for about two years now.  Last month marked three years since my husband and I decided that we would try to start a family.  Over the past three years, we've endured two miscarriages and much disappointment.  Right now I am a few days into my 2WW after IUI#5. If this one isn't successful, we will do one more IUI before moving onto IVF if necessary.


We've been relatively private about our fertility problems and only recently shared our struggles with our close family members.  But I still feel alone.  I can't begin to tell you how helpful it has been to read others' stories over these past few years.  I feel like I already know so many of you even though I've never communicated with any of you directly.  I spend so much time reading other people's blogs that I decided that it is time for me to join this wonderfully supportive community.


Travelling is one of my passions so I thought it would be fun to incorporate that into my blog's theme.  You can check out our TTC "itinerary" to the right.  I've never blogged before and I am not one who typically keeps diaries or journals (unless I'm travelling).  Hopefully this will come easy.  Thanks for sharing your journeys and accompanying me on mine.