An Overdue Update

I can't believe it's been over two weeks since my last post.  I've had two more appointments over the past two weeks and am happy to report that, despite some additional spotting here and there, everything is looking good.  It's 8w4d today.  At our appointment last week at 7w4d, we saw a tiny little baby with a heartbeat at 156 bpm.  I didn't see the heartbeat right away when the image popped up on the screen and I freaked out a little inside until I heard the RE say he saw it and then had us listen to it.  Truly amazing sound and something I wasn't sure I'd ever be fortunate enough to hear.  We went back again yesterday and the little creature was still there, measuring pretty much right on target with a heartbeat of 178 bpm. 

Honestly, we are both still a little stunned that this is actually happening.  We've been trying for so long and have had soooo much disappointment along the way so this is all a bit unreal.  I made our first OB appointment for next week today with a doctor that our RE recommended and who has a lot of excellent patient reviews online.  Our RE said he would continue to see us every week or every other week if we weren't able to get an appointment with an OB until 10 or 12 weeks (since I've been stalling on looking for an OB until I started feeling more comfortable that this pregnancy was actually progressing).  But when I called the OB's office today, explained that I had been seeing the RE and gave her a brief summary of our RPL history along with the disclaimer that I would be a paranoid pregnant patient, she said "oh honey, I'd be paranoid, too" and then said the OB could see us next Thursday! 

As for symptoms, I would say that I have been feeling relatively normal for the most part.  I have been sleeping more and my bo.obs seem fuller and bigger (they are sore on and off).  I usually have to get up once per night to go to the bathroom when I used to sleep through the night.  I've started experiencing some queasiness this week, but nothing particularly unbearable.  I suppose I should feel fortunate for that, but feeling normal most of the time makes me worry that something isn't going right.  That's what years of RPL and anticipating a viable pregnancy does to mess with your head I guess.  I don't know if I will ever feel confident in this pregnancy, but I'm trying to be as optimistic as possible.  This the farthest we've made it so far and today I am happy about that.

Heartbeat

We saw a heartbeat today - for the first time ever in any of our four pregnancies.  The cause of my on and off bleeding/spotting remains a mystery however and will probably continue to cause me anxiety until it stops. Our RE didn't see any clots and gave me a number of other possible causes.  I'm hoping that it is just the Endo.metrin irritating my cervix because I tend to notice the spotting shortly after inserting the tablets, especially the evening dose for whatever reason.

Today the baby was measuring 6w2d (one day less than actual time by my calculations) and had a heartbeat of 120 bpm.  My RE said they prefer to see anything 120 or above, but at this early stage I've read that 90-110 bpm is typical.  We go back next Wednesday to check on the progress.  Today has been one of mixed emotions and I'm not ready to process it all and write what I am feeling yet.  But tonight I will go to bed a little more hopeful about this pregnancy.

Weird Dreams

It's Day 3 of my self-imposed bedrest.  I didn't have any bleeding for over 24 hours between Thursday afternoon and Friday evening, but last night when I inserted my evening dose of Endo.metrin there was some red blood on the tip of the applicator when I took it out.  I had just started to relax yesterday after no signs of bleeding all day until that happened.  Now twelve hours later with my morning dose of Endo.metrin, no traces of blood on the applicator.  This is enough to drive me crazy!!!  Hopeful one minute to panicked and stressed the next minute. 


The physical symptoms I was experiencing earlier in this pregnancy also seem to be disappearing, but I've had weird, scary dreams the past two nights.  My boobs are not really sore anymore (despite two days of the estrogen patch which the RE told me would cause a lot of breast tenderness).  I'm not going to the bathroom nearly as much anymore.  My fourth week of pregnancy I was going to the bathroom a ton and even had to get up once in the middle of the night every night that whole week which is very uncharacteristic for me.  But, take last night for example, I went to the bathroom at 8:00 pm before inserting the Endo.metrin and then didn't go again until I woke up this morning at 7:30.  I also don't get severe bouts of exhaustion like I was experiencing earlier.  With Thursday's bleeding and these disappearing symptoms, I don't know what to think anymore.

What I have been lacking in physical symptoms has been replaced with creepy dreams.  On Thursday night I had a dream that I was entrusted with the care of two tiny preemie twin babies.  They weren't mine.  I don't know who they belonged to.  They were in a shoebox and were sleeping.  When it came time to feed them, I couldn't find them or the shoebox they were in.  I was panicked searching all over the place for them with a feeling of dread that our cat had eaten them.  Turns out I found them somehow although I don't know where or how and then I woke up.

Last night I woke up heart racing and sweating after dreaming that hubby and I were about to leave to go to church (which is something we don't do in real life), I was wearing shorts (also something I don't often do in real life) and I started hemorrhaging with blood running down my legs and puddling onto the ground.  Then I started vomitting blood, too, and ended up on the floor in a pool of my blood yelling for my husband to call 911.  That's when I was startled awake.

My next ultrasound on Tuesday afternoon can't come soon enough.

And this morning there is blood . . .

red, red blood when I wiped on my "before I run out the door to drive to work" bathroom stop.  My response this time was a loud "F**KING A!!"  No one but my cat probably heard me because my husband had already left for work.  I called him and told him to come home.  He got home in record time and we went immediately to the clinic.  I spoke to my RE on the phone on our way into the clinic.  He was going to be in the west side office today and told me not to go there because the ultrasound machine isn't as good there.  So we saw one of the other REs at the main campus.  When he examined me, he only found "brown" old blood and said my cervix was still closed so that is a somewhat positive sign.  This morning's ultrasound showed the sac still there and no indication that it had detached from the placenta wall.  Also a good sign for now.  We still didn't see a heartbeat, but that wasn't too surprising since our last ultrasound was only 17 hours earlier.  When he removed the vag wand, it was clear and not covered in blood like it was the last two times I miscarried.  They took a bunch of bloodwork again, gave me a prescription for the estrogen patch since I got a bad rash the last time I took Es.trace, my husband is getting the prescription filled now and I just plan to lounge on the couch all day long hoping that  this is just a scare and not the beginning of the end again.

Today's Ultrasound

We saw a sac! But we weren't lucky enough to see a heartbeat yet. At 5w4d (based on my counting) I wasn't expecting to be able to see a heartbeat today, but it would have been more reassuring if we did.  Our RE said that everything looks exactly as it should at this point and that if he didn't know our history he would be very satisfied with today's ultrasound.  However, since he does know our history, he said he won't be satisfied until he sees us make it to three months under his care.  I am so glad to know that he is going to continue to monitor me closely even though we didn't have any medical assistance with this pregnancy.  We go back for another ultrasound next Tuesday when the RE expects to be able to see a heartbeat and make a determination as to whether this pregnancy is viable or not.

We also discussed the possibility of using heparin at this point and our RE was willing to start me on the injections today, but after some additional discussion we decided to see what happens without it.  I seem to have had more symptoms this time around and although I am still nervous about this pregnancy I also have a feeling of calm about it.  My symptoms seem to come and go though and that is driving me a little crazy.  I told my husband and my RE that I wish I would feel constantly pregnant just so I know everything is developing as it should be.

So we continue to hope that everything will progress without complications.