Starting to Feel More Relaxed

Today marks the beginning of 13 weeks and I am so grateful to have made it this far.  Although I haven't gained too much weight yet, my waist line has started to expand and my belly has morphed into different stages of "pooch"-iness which has become more difficult to hide.  I must say that I have had a sense of reluctance throughout this pregnancy.  With three miscarriages in the past, it's hard not to be reluctant and have this underlying worry that something is bound to go wrong.  I am looking forward to the day when I can actually feel this kid moving around so I don't have to continually wonder what is going on in there.  I decided not to purchase a doppler because I am afraid it will cause me more stress than I need or want.  I know many people in situations similar to mine find comfort in these devices, but I just can't seem to shake the idea that at some point I won't be able to find the heartbeat, even if it is there, and that I will panic.  So I am just relying on the fact that everything seems to be going smoothly for the most part.

I can't believe that I have made it through the first trimester.  I have mixed feelings about the limited symptoms I have experienced these first few months.  I'd like to explain because the lack of many of the common physical symptoms so many people experience freaked me out to the point of causing me psychological/mental/emotional anxiety.  I don't know what I expected, but I don't think I expected to feel relatively normal these first few months.  My "worst" symptom was fatigue.  I definitely slept more than normal, took uncharacteristic naps and found myself wishing I was napping while at work and having a difficult time concentrating at the task at hand.  I had occasional bouts of queasiness, but not much.  The lack of "morning sickness" freaked me out because I heard/read that nausea is a good indicator that the baby is growing and healthy.  When I wasn't nauseous or throwing up and can't feel whether or not the baby is growing, I was convinced there must be something wrong.  Now I have been taking Fol.gard since April (three months before this baby was conceived) and perhaps there is some merit to the thought that increased amounts of B6 lessen the effects of morning sickness.  I also can't say that I have been urinating more frequently yet.  Maybe some at the beginning and I often do have to get up once in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom which isn't typical for me.  But overall, I expected the symptom of "frequent urination" to remain a constant throughout the first trimester and that really hasn't been the case.  I have also been somewhat fixated on the changing shape of my belly and waistline and wondering what it means, if anything.  I think I expected it to be a gradual outward development into the cute little bump.  Early on, I had a low pouch for a few days.  That pouch has seemed to move upward and at times I think my belly is getting flatter instead of rounder.  The shape seems to change some on a daily basis which keeps me guessing whether that is normal or not.  The only other symptoms I am linking to this pregnancy are vivid dreams pretty much every night (or at least ones I actually remember when I wake up because before this pregnancy I rarely remembered my dreams if I had them), my face breaking out a lot more than normal and more recently, I haven't been very hungry throughout the day.  I am sharing my experiences and symptoms here in case there are other women out there who are wondering if their seeming "lack" of the more common symptoms is normal because I think that the absence of the common physical symptoms can be disconcerting and nervewracking along the way.

We also had the NT scan earlier this week.  Because I was out of town for work last week, it had been almost three weeks since our last ultrasound.  After our history of recurrent losses, this was a LONG time especially since I had been getting ultrasounds on practically a weekly basis before then.  The measurements came back good and combined with the bloodwork results, the chances of Downs and Trisonomy issues were greatly reduced which was a big relief for me since I am 37 years old and already in a higher risk category.

For now, I am becoming more comfortable with the fact that I am really pregnant.  I can talk about it more with my husband and family which I had been avoiding for fear of jinxing something along the way.  We are planning to tell Grandma WOW today and some of my husband's closer relatives who don't know yet.  I have also been trying to figure out a clever way to tell my co-workers which I plan to do this week because it is getting harder to keep secret.  My job also requires me to frequently wear business suits and I only have a few left that are bearable to wear.  I've been starting to look for some more comfortable clothes that I'll be able to wear for work and that aren't terribly expensive.  I think I may have to switch to dresses instead of business suits if I don't want to break the bank to have work clothes for the remainder of this pregnancy.  Or I am going to have to figure out how to pick a few pieces that I can mix and match so it doesn't look like I am wearing the same thing every day.

I am also in a stage where I am hesitant to blog, on one hand, because I don't want to seem like I am bragging about finally being pregnant.  But, on the other hand, I want to continue to share my story so those of you who are still waiting for that BFP know that pregnancies can happen after recurrent losses.  Others have blogged about this awkward new position we find ourselves in.  My experiences with infertility and loss have shaped who I am today and have still affected my approach and anxieties with this pregnancy so I believe it is still important to share my story.  I hope you all feel the same.