Starting to Feel More Relaxed

Today marks the beginning of 13 weeks and I am so grateful to have made it this far.  Although I haven't gained too much weight yet, my waist line has started to expand and my belly has morphed into different stages of "pooch"-iness which has become more difficult to hide.  I must say that I have had a sense of reluctance throughout this pregnancy.  With three miscarriages in the past, it's hard not to be reluctant and have this underlying worry that something is bound to go wrong.  I am looking forward to the day when I can actually feel this kid moving around so I don't have to continually wonder what is going on in there.  I decided not to purchase a doppler because I am afraid it will cause me more stress than I need or want.  I know many people in situations similar to mine find comfort in these devices, but I just can't seem to shake the idea that at some point I won't be able to find the heartbeat, even if it is there, and that I will panic.  So I am just relying on the fact that everything seems to be going smoothly for the most part.

I can't believe that I have made it through the first trimester.  I have mixed feelings about the limited symptoms I have experienced these first few months.  I'd like to explain because the lack of many of the common physical symptoms so many people experience freaked me out to the point of causing me psychological/mental/emotional anxiety.  I don't know what I expected, but I don't think I expected to feel relatively normal these first few months.  My "worst" symptom was fatigue.  I definitely slept more than normal, took uncharacteristic naps and found myself wishing I was napping while at work and having a difficult time concentrating at the task at hand.  I had occasional bouts of queasiness, but not much.  The lack of "morning sickness" freaked me out because I heard/read that nausea is a good indicator that the baby is growing and healthy.  When I wasn't nauseous or throwing up and can't feel whether or not the baby is growing, I was convinced there must be something wrong.  Now I have been taking Fol.gard since April (three months before this baby was conceived) and perhaps there is some merit to the thought that increased amounts of B6 lessen the effects of morning sickness.  I also can't say that I have been urinating more frequently yet.  Maybe some at the beginning and I often do have to get up once in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom which isn't typical for me.  But overall, I expected the symptom of "frequent urination" to remain a constant throughout the first trimester and that really hasn't been the case.  I have also been somewhat fixated on the changing shape of my belly and waistline and wondering what it means, if anything.  I think I expected it to be a gradual outward development into the cute little bump.  Early on, I had a low pouch for a few days.  That pouch has seemed to move upward and at times I think my belly is getting flatter instead of rounder.  The shape seems to change some on a daily basis which keeps me guessing whether that is normal or not.  The only other symptoms I am linking to this pregnancy are vivid dreams pretty much every night (or at least ones I actually remember when I wake up because before this pregnancy I rarely remembered my dreams if I had them), my face breaking out a lot more than normal and more recently, I haven't been very hungry throughout the day.  I am sharing my experiences and symptoms here in case there are other women out there who are wondering if their seeming "lack" of the more common symptoms is normal because I think that the absence of the common physical symptoms can be disconcerting and nervewracking along the way.

We also had the NT scan earlier this week.  Because I was out of town for work last week, it had been almost three weeks since our last ultrasound.  After our history of recurrent losses, this was a LONG time especially since I had been getting ultrasounds on practically a weekly basis before then.  The measurements came back good and combined with the bloodwork results, the chances of Downs and Trisonomy issues were greatly reduced which was a big relief for me since I am 37 years old and already in a higher risk category.

For now, I am becoming more comfortable with the fact that I am really pregnant.  I can talk about it more with my husband and family which I had been avoiding for fear of jinxing something along the way.  We are planning to tell Grandma WOW today and some of my husband's closer relatives who don't know yet.  I have also been trying to figure out a clever way to tell my co-workers which I plan to do this week because it is getting harder to keep secret.  My job also requires me to frequently wear business suits and I only have a few left that are bearable to wear.  I've been starting to look for some more comfortable clothes that I'll be able to wear for work and that aren't terribly expensive.  I think I may have to switch to dresses instead of business suits if I don't want to break the bank to have work clothes for the remainder of this pregnancy.  Or I am going to have to figure out how to pick a few pieces that I can mix and match so it doesn't look like I am wearing the same thing every day.

I am also in a stage where I am hesitant to blog, on one hand, because I don't want to seem like I am bragging about finally being pregnant.  But, on the other hand, I want to continue to share my story so those of you who are still waiting for that BFP know that pregnancies can happen after recurrent losses.  Others have blogged about this awkward new position we find ourselves in.  My experiences with infertility and loss have shaped who I am today and have still affected my approach and anxieties with this pregnancy so I believe it is still important to share my story.  I hope you all feel the same.

Double Digits

Today marks 10w0d.  No matter how much time has passed, I still can't believe this seems to finally be happening for us.  I'm still nervous that something could go wrong, but at the same time I am hoping that everything goes smoothly for the remainder of this pregnancy.  I mean, we've been through enough heartache already, right?  We definitely seem to have a little fighter this time.

We "graduated" from our RE's office and had our first appointment with my new OB on Thursday.  If first impressions mean anything, I LOVED the OB.  He was so nice and compassionate about our situation.  He took his time with us and never made us feel rushed.  I had my first non-vaginal ultrasound at the appointment.  The OB didn't do a physical exam because he said given the weekly appointments I've had along the way that I've had enough "intrusion" down there for the time being.  He emphasized how he is part of a small group practice.  Only 4 OBs who deliver.  And he told me to call any time and he would call me back or if I was ever concerned for any reason or didn't feel like something was right, I could just drop in unannounced and he would see me.  Loved him!  The best part of the whole appointment was the ultrasound.  At first we just saw the baby and the heartbeat like the past few times.  About a minute or so into the ultrasound, after taking the measurements, we were amazed to see his/her arms and legs move!!!  It was like s/he was swimming or running.  Completely amazing and both my husband and I teared up. 

I'm supposed to start weening off the estro.gen and endometrin over the next couple of weeks, but I am not sure that I am ready to do that yet.  The OB said there is a good chance that I will experience some bleeding/spotting as I ween myself off of the extra hormones and I'm definitely not looking forward to that . . . especially since I have to travel out of town to DC for work the week of September 12.  So I think I am going to wait until after I return from my business trip to start the weening process.  And I am so lucky that my husband is able to travel to DC with me.  Thankfully, we are only about a 6 hour drive from DC and I was able to drive instead of fly for this trip (it actually turned out to be a bit cheaper that way anyway).  It may be silly, but I was scared to fly and since it is still technically the first trimester, I was nervous travel alone.

I've been bad about commenting on everyone else's blogs these days and for that I apologize.  I have been reading them, but have been so tired after work I just haven't had the energy to write entries or comment.  I hope everyone enjoys the holiday weekend with family and friends!!

An Overdue Update

I can't believe it's been over two weeks since my last post.  I've had two more appointments over the past two weeks and am happy to report that, despite some additional spotting here and there, everything is looking good.  It's 8w4d today.  At our appointment last week at 7w4d, we saw a tiny little baby with a heartbeat at 156 bpm.  I didn't see the heartbeat right away when the image popped up on the screen and I freaked out a little inside until I heard the RE say he saw it and then had us listen to it.  Truly amazing sound and something I wasn't sure I'd ever be fortunate enough to hear.  We went back again yesterday and the little creature was still there, measuring pretty much right on target with a heartbeat of 178 bpm. 

Honestly, we are both still a little stunned that this is actually happening.  We've been trying for so long and have had soooo much disappointment along the way so this is all a bit unreal.  I made our first OB appointment for next week today with a doctor that our RE recommended and who has a lot of excellent patient reviews online.  Our RE said he would continue to see us every week or every other week if we weren't able to get an appointment with an OB until 10 or 12 weeks (since I've been stalling on looking for an OB until I started feeling more comfortable that this pregnancy was actually progressing).  But when I called the OB's office today, explained that I had been seeing the RE and gave her a brief summary of our RPL history along with the disclaimer that I would be a paranoid pregnant patient, she said "oh honey, I'd be paranoid, too" and then said the OB could see us next Thursday! 

As for symptoms, I would say that I have been feeling relatively normal for the most part.  I have been sleeping more and my bo.obs seem fuller and bigger (they are sore on and off).  I usually have to get up once per night to go to the bathroom when I used to sleep through the night.  I've started experiencing some queasiness this week, but nothing particularly unbearable.  I suppose I should feel fortunate for that, but feeling normal most of the time makes me worry that something isn't going right.  That's what years of RPL and anticipating a viable pregnancy does to mess with your head I guess.  I don't know if I will ever feel confident in this pregnancy, but I'm trying to be as optimistic as possible.  This the farthest we've made it so far and today I am happy about that.

Heartbeat

We saw a heartbeat today - for the first time ever in any of our four pregnancies.  The cause of my on and off bleeding/spotting remains a mystery however and will probably continue to cause me anxiety until it stops. Our RE didn't see any clots and gave me a number of other possible causes.  I'm hoping that it is just the Endo.metrin irritating my cervix because I tend to notice the spotting shortly after inserting the tablets, especially the evening dose for whatever reason.

Today the baby was measuring 6w2d (one day less than actual time by my calculations) and had a heartbeat of 120 bpm.  My RE said they prefer to see anything 120 or above, but at this early stage I've read that 90-110 bpm is typical.  We go back next Wednesday to check on the progress.  Today has been one of mixed emotions and I'm not ready to process it all and write what I am feeling yet.  But tonight I will go to bed a little more hopeful about this pregnancy.

Weird Dreams

It's Day 3 of my self-imposed bedrest.  I didn't have any bleeding for over 24 hours between Thursday afternoon and Friday evening, but last night when I inserted my evening dose of Endo.metrin there was some red blood on the tip of the applicator when I took it out.  I had just started to relax yesterday after no signs of bleeding all day until that happened.  Now twelve hours later with my morning dose of Endo.metrin, no traces of blood on the applicator.  This is enough to drive me crazy!!!  Hopeful one minute to panicked and stressed the next minute. 


The physical symptoms I was experiencing earlier in this pregnancy also seem to be disappearing, but I've had weird, scary dreams the past two nights.  My boobs are not really sore anymore (despite two days of the estrogen patch which the RE told me would cause a lot of breast tenderness).  I'm not going to the bathroom nearly as much anymore.  My fourth week of pregnancy I was going to the bathroom a ton and even had to get up once in the middle of the night every night that whole week which is very uncharacteristic for me.  But, take last night for example, I went to the bathroom at 8:00 pm before inserting the Endo.metrin and then didn't go again until I woke up this morning at 7:30.  I also don't get severe bouts of exhaustion like I was experiencing earlier.  With Thursday's bleeding and these disappearing symptoms, I don't know what to think anymore.

What I have been lacking in physical symptoms has been replaced with creepy dreams.  On Thursday night I had a dream that I was entrusted with the care of two tiny preemie twin babies.  They weren't mine.  I don't know who they belonged to.  They were in a shoebox and were sleeping.  When it came time to feed them, I couldn't find them or the shoebox they were in.  I was panicked searching all over the place for them with a feeling of dread that our cat had eaten them.  Turns out I found them somehow although I don't know where or how and then I woke up.

Last night I woke up heart racing and sweating after dreaming that hubby and I were about to leave to go to church (which is something we don't do in real life), I was wearing shorts (also something I don't often do in real life) and I started hemorrhaging with blood running down my legs and puddling onto the ground.  Then I started vomitting blood, too, and ended up on the floor in a pool of my blood yelling for my husband to call 911.  That's when I was startled awake.

My next ultrasound on Tuesday afternoon can't come soon enough.

And this morning there is blood . . .

red, red blood when I wiped on my "before I run out the door to drive to work" bathroom stop.  My response this time was a loud "F**KING A!!"  No one but my cat probably heard me because my husband had already left for work.  I called him and told him to come home.  He got home in record time and we went immediately to the clinic.  I spoke to my RE on the phone on our way into the clinic.  He was going to be in the west side office today and told me not to go there because the ultrasound machine isn't as good there.  So we saw one of the other REs at the main campus.  When he examined me, he only found "brown" old blood and said my cervix was still closed so that is a somewhat positive sign.  This morning's ultrasound showed the sac still there and no indication that it had detached from the placenta wall.  Also a good sign for now.  We still didn't see a heartbeat, but that wasn't too surprising since our last ultrasound was only 17 hours earlier.  When he removed the vag wand, it was clear and not covered in blood like it was the last two times I miscarried.  They took a bunch of bloodwork again, gave me a prescription for the estrogen patch since I got a bad rash the last time I took Es.trace, my husband is getting the prescription filled now and I just plan to lounge on the couch all day long hoping that  this is just a scare and not the beginning of the end again.

Today's Ultrasound

We saw a sac! But we weren't lucky enough to see a heartbeat yet. At 5w4d (based on my counting) I wasn't expecting to be able to see a heartbeat today, but it would have been more reassuring if we did.  Our RE said that everything looks exactly as it should at this point and that if he didn't know our history he would be very satisfied with today's ultrasound.  However, since he does know our history, he said he won't be satisfied until he sees us make it to three months under his care.  I am so glad to know that he is going to continue to monitor me closely even though we didn't have any medical assistance with this pregnancy.  We go back for another ultrasound next Tuesday when the RE expects to be able to see a heartbeat and make a determination as to whether this pregnancy is viable or not.

We also discussed the possibility of using heparin at this point and our RE was willing to start me on the injections today, but after some additional discussion we decided to see what happens without it.  I seem to have had more symptoms this time around and although I am still nervous about this pregnancy I also have a feeling of calm about it.  My symptoms seem to come and go though and that is driving me a little crazy.  I told my husband and my RE that I wish I would feel constantly pregnant just so I know everything is developing as it should be.

So we continue to hope that everything will progress without complications.