Trying to Relax and Remain Calm . . .

. . . but it isn't easy and doesn't come naturally after experiencing prior pregnancy losses.  Today is 5w1d.  Still SO early.  I'm tense every time I go to the bathroom, holding my breath until I inspect the toilet paper and make sure the bleeding hasn't started again.  I'm also wondering if the results of my second beta were just some fluke and because of the early bleeding I had I may no longer be pregnant.  I don't want to POAS for fear of seeing the line getting fainter and disappearing.  I should have insisted on getting another beta before Friday, just to make me feel better.

I also have a love/hate relationship with my progesterone - I have started calling it my MVP (for "magical vaginal pill").  I'm hoping that this pregnancy will progress without much difficulty because I'm using the MVP this time around.  My first pregnancy happened about 9 months after we started TTC and before we started seeking fertility treatments.  It was before we really knew we had any issues to be concerned about so I didn't even know progesterone supplements existed.  My second pregnancy occurred naturally, two years after our first miscarriage, while we were on a break from medical interventions.  Now two years wiser and more experienced with IF, I asked for the progesterone suppositories once I discovered I was pregnant this time.  However, the RE I was seeing at the time was out of town and unavailable and the RE who was covering for him didn't think it was necessary.  That pregnancy didn't make it beyond 8 weeks either.  My biggest complaint about my MVP is the mess it creates and (sorry TMI ahead) the warm gushy flow it creates that always makes me think I've started bleeding.

I wish I was experiencing more of the typical symptoms everyone seems to associate with pregnancy.  My boobs really aren't sore or hurt at all.  I have had to pee more often, but I think that is partially because I have been drinking more water than I normally do.  I have been somewhat queasy, but no major nausea or vomiting.  I was pretty exhausted on Saturday and fell asleep on the couch by 6:30 p.m.  I slept until about 1:30 a.m. and then was wide awake until about 11:00 am.  This is very unusual for me.  But other than that, I'm feeling pretty good which then makes me second guess whether everything is really okay.

I'm trying to take it easy as much as possible.  Although logically I know there really isn't anything that I can do to cause or prevent a miscarriage, I just can't help but wonder whether I'm doing things "right."  Most people think I have a stressful job.  I do work about 10 hours per day on average and often bring home work to do on the evenings and weekends.  But I'm trying to not be all consumed by work as much.  Truth is, I actually like and enjoy my job and it keeps me occupied.  If I'm busy, the time goes by faster and it helps me keep my mind off the IF roller coaster. 

I know every pregnant woman is likely apprehensive, gets nervous and worries throughout her pregnancy.  I just envy those fertiles out there who don't have to add "I wonder if I'll lose this pregnancy, too?" or "I wonder if I'll make it past the first trimester this time?" to their list of concerns.


  1. I'm going through the same and it's stressful. I HATE spotting. It makes everything so much more horrible. My thoughts are with you and I'm wishing an easier week!

  2. Stopping by from LFCA to welcome you to the IF blogosphere! I'm so sorry for your previous loss...it is so difficult experiencing pregnancy after a loss, full of apprehension and worry! I completely understand, even at 18wks I still worry that something will go wrong (I experienced a 2nd trimester loss). Glad you're on the progesterone though & as you know you're doing all you can to keep this baby safe. Sending lots of hope and strength your way, try not to stress too much...I know so much easier said than done! Wishing you a very healthy, smooth pregnancy:)

  3. I envy them too. Hang in there girl. I totally agree about the job thing too. Just try to get as much rest and pampering as possible. :)